My Inspiration or Rock N Roll Will Never Die!

Brenda's birthday is in two days time. On Friday it will be the 18^th of September and I will celebrate her life. I have been feeling sad for a while now; I guess it's bound to be more pronounced at this time of the year. I was telling my good friend Martin that I think I will always be sad, I believe I must make a conscious effort to be happy at all times, that happiness is not my natural state. I ask myself why I believe this to be so and I always come to the realisation that she was the best thing that ever happened to me. My life does not make sense without her, if I decided to move on, I would be nothing but shadow. Knowing and loving her has brought me to a realisation of some of the grandest things in life. It has awoken in me an intense love for mankind and a burning desire for peace. It is a shame really, it is a shame that I could not be this person when she was here, I know in my heart of hearts that we could have been perfect together. Knowing that leads me to the realisation that I will never love another as much, perhaps I am afraid of getting hurt that much again but I cannot help how I feel.

Somehow, my life has always been punctuated with such losses and I believe that they have served to make me a better person. I ask myself how it is that she should change me and I arrive at peace and love always. I yearn to touch the world and tell it that I know a thing or two about love, life, death, grief, joy, sorrow, happiness, anger, hate and all other emotions that make us human. I want to shout that here lies our beloved and it in no fault of man. She is gone from us by the will of nature and nature's God and there is no court of appeal. I want to tell you that I wish that every death that happened in life was that simple. That we shouldn't kill each other, that we should be peaceful and let nature and God be our judges. I want to say so many things but I feel sad.

I feel sad because I believe that there will never be enough of me to love another girl like that. I cannot truthfully say to a girl that I love her beyond any other because I am that foolish, I am in love with a dead girl. That leads to the knowledge that I will most probably never start a family and so I give up such desires. Such things like owning a piece of land, buying a car and other material things that I deem unnecessary. I decide instead to desire nothing less than peace and love; one I am owed, the other is freely given.

I look at my life and wonder what has always kept me going? I realise that music is a big part of who I am, it is hard for me to be more than two inches away from inspiration. I look at my playlists and I realise that most of these songs remind me of whom I have been, her and of what I am reaching for. And so I come to share this music, this peace and love and I pray that you enjoy it as much as I do and that perhaps one or two words will inspire you.