Metamorphosis

I like to think of myself as having a highly developed sense of morality; I believe that the only person I have power over is myself. Of late I find myself battling with questions of morality, truth, liberty, justice and peace as well as metaphysical questions of being. I struggle to understand why certain things happen as they do what they mean in the grand scheme of things and if I have the power to change anything. I like to call this process "reinventing myself" and it involves an analysis of life as I perceive it, that which is written and speculation as regards a future sense of fulfilment. I have done this twice before in my life; first, I lost religion and then the romantic fantasy that is always shattered by unrequited love. This is my third attempt to make sense of life as I know it and the world I live in with more than six billion other people. I do not know if I will survive or if I want to. I begin to suspect that reality does indeed bite.

I am not perfect nor will I ever be until I truly grasp the concept that all life is sacred. I have committed my fair share of sins and I will add some more to their number as the years go by. However I have come to be ruled by a fundamental understanding of the fact that we are all one species and that knowledge fills me with an unrelenting yearning for peace and the simple wonders of life. I have come to understand how insignificant all our lofty pursuits are and sometimes that depresses me but most times it liberates me. I have also come to understand what power truly lies in self belief and it makes me uncomfortable.

I remember the first time someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I quickly replied, "I want to be a scientist". I didn't know that the term encompassed a host of disciplines; all I knew was that a scientist pretty much tried to get to the heart of things with many colourful results along the way. I guess I have always had an inquisitive mind, and if life had been content to leave me alone, I would probably have invented something or discovered some other thing. As it happens, life has seen fit to point me in the direction of metaphysics, a realm so murky and formless that I wander it at great risk to my sanity. I desire to know as much as is humanly possible concerning the nature of life, being and reality. I always seek to test myself, physically, socially and emotionally. From all these experiments, I have come to understand a few things about myself and the life I live, some dreams have been destroyed and new ones have taken their place.

I have always been a hopeless romantic, one of the dreams I nurtured from an early age was to find a lovely girl who completed me and spend my days with her. Maybe I read and watched too many fairy tales. I feel that is beyond me now, I find that I am too independent minded to even accommodate the idea of compromise. I want to always be able to do what I please with myself, I want to know that if I so desired, I could pack my bags and head off to the ends of the earth without having to consult, hurt or disappoint anyone. Any shrink would probably tell me that I have commitment issues, that I because I have experienced loss and grief every so often in life, I am scared to get attached and I am fine with that. I therefore no longer have a burning desire to be a father or a husband, let alone own a piece of land. I do not feel well equipped to raise children; I think I am too liberal to be of any use; hence I have no desire for progeny and am quite content to have my line end with me. If it wasn't for the fact that I have two brothers, I'm sure my poor father would be turning in his grave. Incidentally I don't know what it feels like to have a father, I have seen some of my friends struggle to live up to their fathers' names and expectations while some have struggled to live down their fathers' infamy. My father's gift to me, besides DNA, was perhaps anonymity like no other. I don't really know who he was or who his friends were. Consequently I have always been content to stay in the background and live my life quietly. I now find myself very opinionated; feeling that I have learnt some fundamental lessons in life, I am not content to go quietly. I want to stand on rooftops and scream. I want to shout, about Palestine, Life and other things.

Love: If any one of us could truly define it, those would perhaps be the greatest words ever written. I have tried to understand what this little word means in as many ways as I can but I don't think it is possible to know it all. Love is truly all encompassing, it can perhaps be described as one of the absolutes in life, the one thing we can be sure of and it truly conquers all. Humanity as a whole engages in nothing less than the love of life simply for its own sake! I once thought that it was ultimately defined and expressed as the love between a man and a woman but I now know that it is so much more and so much simpler. I have chosen to define it for myself as simply giving a damn about my fellow human being despite all our differences, quirks and peculiarities. I still have certain fantasies when it comes to it but I have come to believe that I should take my moments where I get them. No one is perfect and perhaps true beauty lies in imperfection; the knowing that we are simply human and each have our own shortcomings. When it comes down to it, I like any other human being, desire to be loved, and for me that is to know that someone else gives a damn about me and the crap I care about. That simple knowledge lets me know that at the very least, they will keep my interests in mind when going about their lives. I am content to have that kind of love and whatever else comes with it.

Loyalty: The word conjures images of devotion, submission and grandeur. I see men attempting herculean tasks all in the name of one belief, person or cause. I see men willing to die for their friends, men willing to kill for their families. I think it all begins with the family, that single unit of human society. There is an intricate bond there that is not easy to break. I have the liberty of looking at it from the outside and I think the reason people come together to start families is because every human being likes the assurance that there is someone who, under normal and most times extraordinary circumstances, will always have their back.

My family broke apart when I was young; after my mother's death, my two brothers and I were split up and sent to live with different relatives. I do not know my brothers as well as I should but I know that if I was ever in a matter of life and death, it would be them that I turn to as my avenue of last resort. There is however an understanding between us, unspoken as it is, that none of us can presume to tell the other how to live their life. I remember my brother trying to lecture me after my uncle had decreed that I not return to his home, he tried to make me see reason and I simply told him that my life was my own and I would live it on my terms. We have since had that respect for each other, that each of us will attempt to make our own way in this life and help each other out to the best of our abilities. I will always be loyal to myself, my family and my friends; I will do everything in my power to better our lot but never at the expense of my beliefs. I am always reminded of Rorschach's parting words in Alan Moore's "Watchmen", just before he leaves his friends to tell the world the truth, "Never compromise, not even in the face of Armageddon." Life may not be that black and white but there are beliefs that each one of us holds so dear, that no amount of loyalty would have us act contrary to them.

Life and Liberty: There is no single answer to the question of why I am here, if there was, I wouldn't need to write these words. Much has been written about man and his purpose and much more still has gone unwritten but the one simple truth is that no one really knows for sure. Men will stand up and claim to speak in God's name, others will speak of the greater good, and others still of fleeting moments and feelings but there is no absolute truth. Life simply exists because it can, we don't know for sure where we came from or where we are going, what we know is that we are here and we must find some sort of meaning in all this madness. Let no man tell you how you should live your life, it is your own and no else's. Each man must do as he does and his actions will be judged by his peers, for that is the law of the land.

I have come to a point in my life where I have to consciously choose what the remainder of my days should mean to me, I have come to believe that I am content to know what I have come to learn about the human condition and that even if I stumbled into my grave tomorrow, I would take with me enough knowledge to be at peace. We are simply the sum of fleeting memories, moments, feelings and all those ecstasies that make us feel alive. I will try to collect as many of them as I take part in this tragicomedy of errors, I hope you do likewise or better.